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2011-09-28 - More Confusing Labels on Things and People
There are no signals fired up into the sky to reflect against the underside of clouds. No beacons. No high-tech miracles. No magical spells. It's just a simple cellphone call, from the number already identified in Jane's contact list as 'Sam'. "Hi. It's Sam. Are ... are you busy?" Oddly, Sam sounds rather nervous. Since they've become friends, Sam has rarely ever been so nervous with Jane. The voice on the other end is Heart Girl's and not Jane's. The timber is slightly different. Higher. Richer. The genuine warmth, however, remains the same no matter which identity answers. "I'm in New Zealand right now. I should be able to meet you in about half an hour if you like?" "New ... holy. Uhm. Well. Manny could come help? If you need help?" Sam offers. She can't quite imagine why in the world Heart Girl would be in New Zealand, but Heart Girl is a friend and she might need help. It's worth offering. "Oh, no. That's fine. I'm just stopping for a quick bite to eat. I was in Australia helping a farmer propose to his boyfriend. Very complicated. Australians have a lot to learn about tolerance when it comes to homosexuality, I think." Heart Girl says. "I'll be home soon. Can you come over to my place or do you want to meet at a cafe or...?" So Heart Girl rushed off to Australia to help a guy propose to his boyfriend? Wow. That's a new one on Sam. Sam's blushing as s/he responds, "No, that's OK. I ... I can make it by your place. Meet you in the gardens, then?" "By the chickens would be better. I promised mom I'd check on them tonight. Its getting colder, so we need to watch them more closely. See you soon!" Heart Girl hangs up. It is just forty minutes later that Heart Girl touches down on her family's property. By the time Heart Girl arrives, Sam is - as promised - out by the chicken coup, sitting on the ground watching the chickens moving about. S/he has no idea what s/he's looking for, so s/he's just watching, until the lovely pink-clad Heart Girl arrives. S/he struggles up to his/her feet, brushing some of the dirt off ineffectually. "Hi. Welcome back." Aww. Look at that shy little smile. "Pretty ... neat. Heading off to do something like that." "Sometimes, I get flashes of insight." Heart Girl explains. There's a flash of pink light and she's not Heart Girl but Jane, once more. Dressed in, of all things, a summer dress. Blue, with white polka dots. And a pair of sensible shoes. And her glasses. "Are you alright?" Of course, Heart Girl's emotive insights would make it clear that Sam is very nervous for some reason, with a lot of pent-up insecurity and confusion. It's all too unfocused for just empathy to be enough to untangle it all, but at least she'd know the tangle is there. And credit to Sam, s/he doesn't try to lie when asked. Blush, yes. Lie, no. "Uhm. Not hurting or anything. But ... I'm kinda confused. Not really sure what to do about something." Then s/he looks at the outfit, and blushes again. "That's really cute." A bit different than what s/he has seen Jane wear before. "Oh? This. Sometimes I dress like a girl. Shocker. I know." Jane smiles and then walks over to look over the chickens. "You have to count them. Look at their feet. Make sure a predator hasn't gotten to them." Right now, Jane doesn't have Heart Girl's insight. But she did, just moments ago. Sam nods. "I know you're a girl. Just saying ... the outfit is cute." And Sam is blushing. With a little sight, s/he turns and watches chickens, counting aloud. It'll be a while before s/he speaks up again. "He was ... " S/he stops again. It takes a bit. Then, finally, "He was talking with Superboy. Superboy said some things. Made assumptions, I guess you'd say. About him, and Heart Girl. It all got very confusing." Jane glances over at Sam. "Okay. Well... what sort of assumptions? I mean, sometimes that sort of thing can be bad and hurt people." She reaches into a bag kept near the coop and pulls out a handful of cracked corn, then scatters it for the chickens. Sam sighs a bit, then squares his/her shoulders. "Well. Superboy seemed to think that Heart Girl kissing Him on the cheek implied a romantic relationship between them. And that if one did not exist, that Heart Girl was making a point that she was interested, perhaps waiting for Him to say something." It's true. That's what he said. But Sam isn't really explaining the rest of it. It takes a while, before Sam finally spills some of the rest. "I don't want to screw up, Jane. I've already lost you as my counsellor at the Center. And you were right. I know that. But if I screw this up, it could be so much worse." Sam could lose the one and only person who really understands. Think how painful that would be. Jane is, for one moment, tempted to transform into Heart Girl. After all, Heart Girl would know what to do. This is her territory, isn't it? "Well... I think the first thing you should do... is tell me what it is YOU want, Sam." Her voice is quiet and soft. Nervous and yet, just a touch, hopeful. What Sam wants? Heck, if Sam really knew what s/he wanted, this would be so much easier. But put on the spot, Sam knows s/he has to try. Agonizing for a bit, s/he finally says, "I won't lie to you. I /am/ attracted to you. Both of me, both of you." There. It has been said. "And you /know/ how much I like you. What it means to me, that you see /me/, not the body I was born into. That you understand me. You're my first real friend." Sam turns from watching chickens, now to watching Jane. "I think I'm a little in love with you. And that's neat, and special, and terrifying all in one." It is all so new, unexplored territory after all. "But I'm most scared of screwing it up. Of losing my friend. I couldn't bear that." Jane inhales and exhales. There's quiet out there, under the moonlight. Near the chickens. Jane throws another handful of cracked corn to the chickens as she thinks. Considers. Finally, she choses her words. "I admire you. You're brave and going through something so difficult, I can't imagine the courage and strength it takes just to move forward, day after day. I think you have a beautiful soul and that both you and.. he... are gorgeous. Physically as well as spiritually. I admit, I've thought about you that way and it scares me, too, that my best friend might be more than that... and if it screws up you won't be my best friend anymore." Sam moves over to Jane, gently reaching out to take her hands in his/hers. "You, admire me? Seriously?" S/he seems a bit bewildered by that, but also moved. "I hope you understand, I admire you too. I think you - both of you - are amazing. You are so wise and kind and understanding, you make it possible to do and be who I am. I can't imagine, anymore, being me and not being around you. I ... " Sam purses his/her lips, thinking. "I read that part of love is loving yourself more, as the person you are when you are with someone. If that's right, then yes, I love you. Because I love the me I am when I am with you. Him. or me." Sam blushes, then leans close, a bit skittishly, and kisses Jane's cheek. "And I want you to know, in my eyes, you are not plain. You never were, you never will be." Do Jane's eyes sparkle? Or is that just them watering behind her glasses. "See?" Jane whispers. "You don't need to be him to say the right thing. Because that was all sorts of right. I'm feeling gushy on the inside." She sniffles and seems content to have her hands held. "So, yes, I love being with you, too. I love the strength you have and the way you make me feel." Sam blushes darkly at that, ducking his/her head a bit, toeing the dirt with one shoe. But s/he does inch a bit closer, still holding Jane's hands. "So ... does this mean we should try? Trust that what we feel is worth the risk? That we'll find a way to make it work, or find a way to save our friendship if it doesn't?" A good question, even if there is no right answer for it. "Now... what sort of avatar of love would I be if I didn't, you know, say love should be something we fight for?" Jane says. Shyly. But with as much boldness as she can draw forward in this secluded, dark spot. Under the light of the moon, Jane smiles. "Right?" Sam chuckles softly, shyly, and nods. "You're right, of course. But this is also a decision we need to make, not as avatars, but as people." Also true. But Sam inches closer, leaning in awkwardly to press another kiss to Jane's cheek. "Because this is as much about us, as it is about them. More, actually." "Much more." Jane agrees. She presses a kiss to Sam's cheek. So chaste but at the same time, the kiss is longer. Just a tiny bit wetter. Lingering. "And that's why we aren't talking as Man-at-Arms and Heart Girl." "Exactly." Sam offers, sliding close to hug Jane firmly, arms wrapped around the girl's body. "So ... I know we try to avoid labels. They make everything harder. But ... does this mean we're .... what? Dating?" "Dating." Jane agrees, hugging back. "That's good enough. Not exclusive. We both are young enough and confident enough that I think we don't need that. Even though I know your alter-ego will insist on it. But if you see someone else who... well, you need to know yourself. Explore your potential. I can't stand in the way of that." Sam looks a mite aghast at that; the idea that s/he would be 'unfaithful' to Jane cuts. It's hard, so very hard. "I can't see being with someone else, Jane. I couldn't do that unless I felt for them what I feel for you. And I can't believe that's possible." Who could get that close to Sam? Really? "I can understand being attracted to them. We're not blind, or dead. But acting on it. That's something else." Isn't it? "Just keep an open mind and an open heart." Jane says, touching first Sam's forehead, then his chest, just above the heart. "I'm not saying I'm going to be with anyone else, either. As me OR as Heart Girl. But let's take this slow and not trap ourselves before we understand, fully, who we are and what we want." Sam purses his/her lips a bit, considering that, and then nods. "Alright. That makes a certain sense. We'll just ... not make things more formal than they need to be, yet. Give ourselves time to figure the rest out." For now, they will simply be dating. That alone is momentous for them both, after all. "Yes." Jane agrees. Then Jane kisses Sam. Gentle. Soft. Quick. Nothing passionate or intense or overly sexual. Not exactly chaste, either. A simple first kiss. If you don't count all those kisses on the cheek. "Come on. Let's go for a walk in the woods. We can talk. I'd like that." Sam just about glows after that kiss. Her lips form an almost subvocal 'Wow', followed by a brief but heartfelt and wide grin. "Uhm. OK. Yeah, I'd like that too." A walk, hand in hand, in the moonlight? How romantic is that?! But hey, romantic makes good sense, right? They're dating now! Sam reaches out, taking Jane's hand in his/her own.